Many questions and topics come up repeatedly in therapy that you may want answers to, so here they are. Where possible, I’ve directed you to read more about them.
- Am I a bad person because I judge and feel critical of others?
Rather than thinking others are bad people, use critical thinking skills (based on cognition and rationality) along with your honest emotional reactions to determine someone’s worth and appeal by weighing their pros and cons. You’re supposed to use these skills to know who’s emotionally healthy and who isn’t.
- How do I know if I’m normal?
That’s an easy question to answer: there is no normal for everyone for everything. What you’re really asking? Usually, when clients ask this question, they want to know if their thoughts or feelings are healthy/unhealthy or common/unusual. In my book, it’s more important to be healthy than common. Lots of people do awful things and just because they may be in the majority, it doesn’t mean you want to be like them, does it? Your job is to figure out who you want to be.
- How do I know if I’m likeable or lovable?
You get to decide this for yourself. I tell clients all the time that they’re likable or lovable and it goes in one ear and out the other. Are there people who are neither likeable nor lovable who think they are? Sure. So, it’s helpful to use a combination approach. Assume you’re lovable unless someone you trust and respect tells you otherwise and gives you specifics. Then weigh those specifics carefully using deep reflection to see if you agree. Remember, you still can be lovable with defects!
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- Aren’t there certain things we should do or ways we should be?
Again, another decision for you. There might be a consensus on some things, but different people want different things. I know folks who think rebelling against authority and constantly fighting for their rights is the only way to be. I think it’s crucial to be able to defy authority, but we can’t live in civil society and be that way all the time. So, someone might think I should rebel more when I might be just fine sometimes trusting authority and making my own judgments situation by situation.
- If I haven’t been able to trust myself in the past, will I ever be able to?
You can start any time to make better decisions and build self-trust. It takes time and practice and comes from repeatedly making decisions in your best interest. Taking care of yourself builds confidence and competence. Self-trust begins by noticing yourself making the same mistakes over and over again and finally having that ah-ha moment—and then doing things differently the next time and the time after that.
Best,
Karen
