Young people are bombarded with messages about sex and relationships constantly, and media (including reality TV shows) is a highly influential source of information. However, students may not be as discerning as adults about the aspects of reality television that are exaggerated for entertainment and drama. I see many similarities between the way that pornography influences young people’s perception of sex, and the way the reality dating shows influence their perceptions around relationships (and the pacing of different experiences in those relationships).
More Than Sex Ed’s curriculum discusses pornography in age-apporpiate and matter-of-fact terms. In the age of the internet, even people who aren’t looking for it are likely to come into contact with sexually explicit media unintentionally. Based on question box responses, we know that tweens and teens are looking for reliable, non-judgmental answers about porn. Instead of taking a shame-based approach to the topic, the goal is to contextualize it in a way that is practical in students’ lives. Teens may perceive benefits from looking to porn to learn about sexual norms and to contextualize personal experiences of arousal and desire. If partnered sex feels like a mystery, pornography may answer certain logistical questions or provide a basis for what to expect. When the topic comes up, instructors remind participants that pornography is designed to depict fantasies, not the realities of healthy sexual interactions.
I’m not drawing this comparison for shock value; I do so because I believe the tools and best practices for discussing both types of media with young people have a significant overlap. For parents whose kids consume reality dating shows, pointing out elements of fantasy can be a helpful outlook to share. Exhilarating dates and romantic staging are used to make a highly unrealistic situation feel alluring. Importantly, most of the real-life awkwardness is cut out entirely. There is so much more to sex than mood lighting and champagne toasts. While fantasy suites may be satisfying to watch, they are not a reliable basis for young peoples’ expectations for sexual encounters. If viewers assume that their experiences will simply fall into place without thoughtful exploration and respectful communication, they might be surprised by the real-world bumps in the road.
Another interesting aspect of the fantasy suites is their sequential relationship to proposals. On the main seasons (The Bachelor and The Bachelorette), they are aired directly prior to the Men Tell All episodes, which are live interviews with the men who have been eliminated before the finale. However, in terms of the shooting schedule, the fantasy suite dates take place a few days before the proposals. Season 26 contestant Madison Prewett described her discomfort with this timeline on a date with lead Peter Weber, saying she would struggle to wrap her mind around “ a week from now, if you’re down on one knee, and six days before that you slept with somebody else.”
On the main seasons, fantasy suites are inextricably linked with proposals. On The Bachelor, the lead traditionally meets with the show’s diamond ring supplier following the rose ceremony that confirms the final two. On The Bachelorette, the final two contestants are both highly encouraged to select rings and go through with proposals, despite the fact that the Bachelorette has already selected her final rose recipient. Occasionally, before the overnight dates take place, the lead will eliminate a player, saying that they don’t want to level-up the relationship with that contestant because they can’t see that person as their long-term partner. Pairing sex with proposals sends a clear message: that sex is acceptable in the context of progressing a relationship toward marriage.
The relationship between sex and proposals is a bit looser on Bachelor in Paradise, a spin-off where prior cast members are brought together to go on dates and exchange roses more casually. This version of the show tends to imitate more typical real-world relational and sexual selection patterns. Plenty of couples * (who can enter and exit multiple pairings during the course of the season) decide to explore sexual aspects of their relationships before considering engagement. While there are formal fantasy suites in the later episodes with remaining couples, there are other options for couples to take a more casual approach. Since the amount of time they spend together and their locations throughout the resort are less regulated, participants can hang out semi-privately around the beach and in the pool. However, it should be noted that their actions are almost constantly being filmed. And yes, this includes everything that goes on inside the boom-boom room.
The boom-boom room, like Jersey Shore’s “smush room” and Love Island’s “hideaway,” is widely understood to be the place where participants go to have sex. However, unlike the fantasy suites, in which cameras are not present, the boom boom room is outfitted with microphones and low-light recording equipment. While the users are able to find a shred of privacy (which is otherwise in short supply, as their living quarters consist of two gendered rooms with bunk beds), all of their activities have the potential to make it into the final edit of the show. The use of boom boom room footage has become more frequent as time has passed. It is possible that, in earlier seasons, couples were not shown in the boom boom room in order to maintain their privacy or the public’s positive perceptions of the show (as “classy”) or the producers’ favored couples.
I have a personal theory as to why sex is so much more strictly controlled on the main season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette; on those seasons, there is one main protagonist that the editors and story producers aim to protect. If public opinion turns against the lead, the show may lose sponsors and ratings. If the lead is viewed as sexually immoral or promiscuous, this may alienate viewers who expect certain levels of chastity and restraint. Therefore, sexual expression is much more limited to the formal space of the fantasy suite. For example, Kaitlyn Bristowe was the first Bachelorette who openly chose to have sex with a contestant prior to that formal stage– in this case, it was with a contestant she had known prior to filming. However, afterwards, she chose to make a formal announcement to the remaining men on her season about her choice. In many ways, she was defending her actions both to the men of her season, and to the viewers at home.
Maurissa Gunn, who chose to enter the boom boom room after her first one-on-one date with Riley Christian, was subjected to harsh public criticism when the episode aired.
In an instagram story post, Gunn shared that she was disappointed that her choice, which felt empowering and aligned with her values of open sexual expression, was treated as a moral failure, especially by other women.
The boom boom room did not appear in the earliest seasons of Bachelor in Paradise; according to a TMZ report, participants had to formally request use of the room from a producer, who can either approve or deny them based on their perceived ability to give consent in proceeding with sexual interactions. This change followed allegations around sexual misconduct in Season 4. The room has also been the source of conflict between couples who want to use it at the same time, or when someone finds out that a person they were interested in had entered the room with someone else.
On Bachelor in Paradise, fantasy suite dates take place a day or two before proposals. After their first nights alone (without cameras present), men ** are pressured to meet with the show’s diamond ring supplier, Neil Lane. This marks the clear shift in the role of sex and intimacy throughout the season; while it can be treated more casually in the first few episodes, it returns to its status as a symbol of lifetime commitment. The differences in the names for these spaces is highly indicative of their intended narrative purposes; the phrase “boom boom” is crass and pretty silly, not really meant to be taken seriously. In contrast, a “fantasy suite” is much more elegant and desirable. It is vague enough that it wouldn’t raise any eyebrows, and lends credence to the seriousness of a couple’s relationship.
Reality dating shows are a useful tool for people to explore their values around complicated topics. Whether it is a parent talking to their teen, or friends chatting over lunch, or strangers tweeting into the void, they offer opportunities to assess how we would act in a situation, or how different behaviors are altered by editing and production constraints. While situations range from totally hypothetical to exact mirrors of viewers’ daily experiences, almost everyone can find something to relate to.
Teens in particular may desire privacy around their dating lives, and sex can be particularly awkward or taboo. Using the examples of reality television characters provides an amount of distance that may help adolescents open up more than a direct question would. For parents who are scrambling to find ways to bring up conversations around sexual decision-making, expectations, consent, or other such topics, it can be easier to bring up these concepts when they are grounded in the plot of a television show. A question like “Do you think Demi’s choice to go to the boom boom room with Kenny had more to do with her feelings for him or her desire to get a rose?” can lead to real insight about your teen’s values and opinions, and will be less likely to come off as a lecture that they should ignore.
Other questions around relationship security, pacing for sexual milestones, and the appropriateness of being recorded or photographed are both highly relevant for the Bachelor franchise in particular. Asking open-ended questions about the couples or their choices can allow teens and parents to learn from each other, and parsing out the elements of reality from the fantasy of the show can improve everyone’s overall media literacy.
